Oh Sister..Art thou..Well....You know??

A short screenplay

Characters:
1)Xena- Referred to throughout as X.(She picked this name...)
2)Gabrielle- Xena's faithful sidekick..lol..this is a name I chose..
3)Simone: referred to as S...a wonderfully talented,humourous and eminently lovable sort of girl
4)garfunkelle: Above said's faithful side-kick...Does'nt play the guitar too well though , but good back-up vocals to simone 's lustrous voice....lol

All in all one hell of a foursome.(In a strictly friends sort of way...although as the story progresses one or two of the characters might develop issues with that..lol)

Scene 1: .Enter four drop-dead gorgeous women , all final year :Xena , Gabrielle, Simone and Garfunkelle. The end of the day, excited chatter,sarcasm and laughter ...about some very 'profound' opinions spewed by prof in the previous hour.

X: Hey you know what????? [Excitement evident in her tone]

[Everyone looks up only half-interestedly...X usually follows above said statement with a "life is great" ,"I Love Me" sort of declaration ,which might have been once found cute, but 105 times later..the cute-ness is inversely proportional to time elapsed since first try...]

Gab: [Not wanting to be impolite..knowing S&G won't say the expected...] what????

X: [suddenly looking very sheepish and abashed..] Would you mind if I asked you something frankly???

S&G: [look up sharply,very rarely is X unsure of what she wants to say..This has to be good, both of them think. Half grins on faces and eyes shining..]

X:[still looking rather hesistant] Well...umm..gabby..[continues looking sheepish]

S&G:[in unison] Get on with it.

X: Umm..ok..well..Gabby..you know..where do you get your bras
from..? I mean ...'cos you know...ummm..they always fit you so well...[she says this half meek at first , then voice strengthening as she figures it can't be that bad]

[Author's note 1: It was pretty bad.]

[Stunned silence follows for approximately 30 secs...it seems like an eternity.]

S&G:[burst out laughing like hysterical hyenas]

Gab:[the object of admiration , or rather the wearer of the object of admiration is too stunned...She's not sure how to react. In fact, it appears as though she's developing a head ache just trying to decide whether to laugh along with S&G or just continue staring with mouth wide open...]

[Net result of confusion: Gabby laughs for 2 seconds and then switches to shocked open mouthed look, alternately for the 5 minutes that S&G are hysterical.]

[Meanwhile X is going absolutely beet-red...She did'nt anticipate this sort of reaction.]

X:[blustering and stuttering] What i mean is...I mean...you guys will you stop laughing for half a second...listen to me...hey...I meant , in the sense that...chi chi chi...
[seeing the other's faces contorted in evil, obviously not
innocent kind of laughter]how can you think like that...that's not what i meant...

[But nobody pays any notice to her remonstrations.]

S: Damn it....where's the digcam when you need it...kodak moment if ever there was one...Gabby you should see your face..oh well...oops...X is too interested in other parts of you...

S&G:[High five...continue hysteria]

Gab:[With great difficulty regains composure and in a very matter of fact voice answers X ] Oh yeah...umm...I got it in that store you know...umm..yeah..you get good lingerie there..See the thing is when you wear clothes that hug you...[blah blah...she goes into the science of relating underwear with clothes being worn...]

[Author's note 2: women will appreciate that it is indeed a science]

S&G: God...Give it up ok...

Garf'lle: Listen gabby, don't act as though she just told you your shoes were nice and asked you where you bought them...[more laughing]

X:[seeing a way out , and thinking vehemence will help..says vehemently] I don't what the fuss is all about...for god's sake...stop being so juvenile..
Gabby...I just happened to notice...tell these guys it's not a big deal...I was only remarking 'cos you know....

Garf'lle: NO WE DON'T KNOW

Gab: Neither do we want to...Atleast I don't...

S: See X , where your eyes choose to settle is your own sweet business ..but you could be considerate enough to consider the fact that making us aware of where your eyes settle might makes us very uncomfortable...Since we might not share your inclinations and all that...

[One more round of laughing...Gab and Garf'elle heartily concur]

Gab:[With large sarcastic grin on face...feigning concern]
You know what...despite the fact that I was a victim here...I still say , we should'nt make X feel bad about her identity

Garf'lle: [chiming in with large grin] Oh yeah...I mean..sure...no hang ups at all da..

S:Remember X...when Garf'lle went through her patch of switching sides...we did'nt abandon her...so don't worry ok?? Even if you never return to our side we'll still be your friends...

Garf'lle:[Righteous indignation shows on face..] Very funny....I was never Lesbian...Address all requests for proof C/O "so and so" ...He'll tell you...

S: Don't we know it...[laughs loud]

X: Hey...you guys..I make one remark which is really quite innocent...and you guys start accusing me of being lesbian...
what the hell...

S: No one's accusing anyone..chill...Besides it ain't a crime to be lesbian...We are quite aware that you can't help who you are...

Gab: Yeah...see like we said..it's cool with us..

[Enter 5th character...H.O.D of their dept....she sort of waddles up to the four..hearing all the hysteria and wants to be chummy and share the joke...and feel like a cool prof...]

H.O.D: [In very nasal...typically maami tamil]...what is all the commotion here...enna pah...evalovu sattham poddathey (don't make so much noise)

seri seri...yennathu ethu...avalo joka irruku..yennakum sollu(ok ok...so what's so funny...tell me the joke too..)

[Author's note 3: Not too good at writing tamil in english but hope I got across the effect]

S&G: [very tempted to tell her what it was was] Illai ma'am...ethumay illai...naanga chumma sirrikirom...(nothing ma'am...it ain't anything really...we are just laughing for the heck of it...)

[H.O.D tries extricating the 'incident' from them but to no avail..shakes her head in a "these modern-day girls are so weird" kinda way and goes home leaving heroines to themselves]

X: Ok...so listen you guys...get it into your heads...it's not funny...i'm not lesbian..come on ok...remember i had a crush on tarzan (a.k.a :JB) ..please..Just 'cos I don't have a boyfriend... and you know i'm not that desperate to have one either...

S: See that's the whole thing...it's about your willingness to give men a miss..
Oh damn gabby...So,that's what all this is really all about...See we better do something about this before she starts hitting on all of us...

Gab: [exchanges knowing looks with S&G] yeah...I think so..It's about time..See X, Don't worry ok...Just hang in there...only another 3 mths in this women's penitentiary.

After that...I'll personally help you get into a more "mixed" environment...

X: Ayyoooooo....I give up trying to convince you guys...For god's sake..please quit..I'm not lesbo...Neither am I desperate..

[S,Garf'lle and Gabby look at X with ironic smiles...]

Garf'lle: [one last shot ] See...anyway...I really don't think you should make up your mind without even sampling men first...

[X lunges and Garf'lle...and engage in mock Cat fight...]

[One last laugh and about 15 lesbian jokes later...everyone appears to have had their fill...]

[Four charlie's angels exit stage and the curtain drops.]

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Disclaimer:

All characters and incidents described are not ficitional.All compliments are intended and all insults are meant to be forgiven if not forgotten

The Author intends no disrespect to any of the above characters or Lesbians in general

[Author's note 4: The efficacy of the narration is seriously hampered by the fact that the author's exclamation key on the keyboard does'nt seem to be working...But she hopes that the reader nevertheless...is able to decipher where the characters are trying to...Well...exclaim..lol]