I feel the need to apologize to you. I don't know why exactly that is , I certainly can't remember anything in particular that I might have said or done.But that is how I feel... Sorry!

Perhaps, I might best describe it as a welling up of emotion that cries out for a new beginning , a desire for change... And so , I imagine, that by taking responsibilty for all that has changed over these past months, much to both of our dismay, I suppose, we might clear the air and begin anew. I say anew and not again because I realise that what has transpired can never be relived There can never be 'again'. The novelty of falling in love , of being gripped in passion's hold, has passed us by.

It is such an emotion, so violent in its feeling , that it rocked us to our very core, like a storm-tossed ship in the night .We struggled to find our bearings , forced ourselves to hold off from completely withdrawing into a surreal world. But we survived that and reached the morning, the morning that brought with it , mellow tranquil beams of light. The light we knew was real, whose peace beckoned, in the unrest of our passionate spirits.

But now, it seems that after all, we do not want it. It is too peaceful,this serene,calm friendship that has followed. We have relaxed into being who we are secure in the knowledge that someone loves us and cares for us very deeply, like the still water whose depth is difficult to gauge. And yet, we are unsatisfied. After all, should thrill and uncertainity be our aphrodisiac? Is it? Stability,Security,Honesty,Love - Don't they tip the scale? Can it be that turbulence is what we really seek?

Or is it our mind's recourse from the boredom of the permanence that our hearts may desire?

It's 11:30 AM and I woke up half an hour ago. The sunlight was streaming through the windows too brightly for me to keep my eyes shut and I was beginning to feel hot. I looked at the time and jumped out of bed and logged on to check MSN weather.

It is FOUR god damn degrees and the skies are blue!! No wonder!!! It's 8 degrees hotter than yesterday!

I'm in a great fucking mood!!! The first song was perfect.. CCR!! It's just set the tone for my whole day!

I'm going to go out and get me some sunshine!! I'm going to have a wonderful meal ! I'm going to study my butt off !! I'm going to just be... Happy!!

I'm giving my mind away,
In little bits and precious pieces,
With the things I say!

Initially aimless, awkwardly conceived
Often hurried, admittedly naive
sometimes incomplete trains
of my thoughts and impressions
don't instantly transform into coherence

Quickly, help me, I can't seem to clot them.
The devil words, that are born in a rush.
Too alive! They clutch and drag
and convey my just-borns away.

Gushing, oozing , struggling
the letters seep out of me. Bleeding me
dry of opportunity,
to just stay still.
And perhaps even dwell a little
Longer?.

Long enough to introduce myself.
Too late , they are gone.

And I'm left standing there
staring after my run-aways,
[stamped, in retrospect, definitively : Mine!]
the orphaned parent,
betrayed and unsure
but aware of clocks ticking
and creativity leaking
slowly out of her.

Wondering where,
and whether, to begin again.

The only thing I seem to write these days are letters to the lover.