Saturday, February 12, 2005

Driftwood in white water...

Like the walls of a dam that are developing cracks from the extraordinary pressure of water trying to bore through , I find myself straining to keep my mind and wits from collapsing. The intense urge to express all that is bottled up , the frustrating , pent-up emotion and thoughts is enormous. These thoughts that churn in my soul, going round and round, turn into poison with every passing second and make me feel as though I will suffocate and die . These thoughts consume most of my waking moments .

And yet when I put pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard , I just choke up and nothing constructive emerges from the misery.So I have had no vent. And the poison kept accumalating.

The cause of desolation is, as always ,manifold. In my case,it is seemingly insignificant . What I mean is , it pales in comparison to the myriad trials that so many people must endure . The feeling of being on the verge of being defeated is so revolting and yet it is something I cannot seem to help. Like free falling from the top of a high cliff. Enough time to think , Enough time to realise that you are just going down and there is nothing whatsoever that you can do to change it. Worse still is the realisation that these 'trivialities' are capable of wrecking havoc on my life and that scares me more than anything else.

The sinking , sinking feeling. Like you are caught in a vortex , sucked towards the centre , unable to escape the mighty power that has dug its claws deep into your being and is pulling you deeper and deeper into the abyss.

I hate it that I can be melodramatic. I hate it that I am fully aware that I am wallowing in the depths of self-pity . I hate it that I am completely not in control of my life and destiny.I hate it that I am starting to make other people around me miserable.

What gives me comfort is that I am in familiar territory. I have been here once before. And I have managed to extricate myself. So, I languish , while anticipating the tide to ebb and me to ride home the wave .

And so, I'm the log of driftwood that is tossed by the river's current and is temporarily at it's mercy ,in the throes of it's turbulence. (Ironic..Always wanted to go white water rafting) .The log never sinks despite being submerged on several occasions and it is in that hope, of emerging ,tried but alive , that I even consider waking up every morning.

Therefore, I allow myself to smile and pretend to the world because ,sure , everything is not perfect and I want to just sleep in most days and not see anyone and read depressing poetry in a room with the blinds drawn all day and all that.

And sure, for now my laugh is fake , but soon the sun will shine , the turbulence will pass , I will want to get up , and read happy , mushy poetry again , and I will discard my sombre mask and my eyes shall yet smile.

10 comments:

Unknown said...

as ur life touches depths ur writing reaches greater heights. sad in a way. that u have to be depressed to really write well....hope to similar work when the sun does shine on u.

San said...

Well written.Agree with previous comment.

Hakuna Matata.

FuzzyLogic. said...

Hmm... Writing a 300 word blog and you say you are having the Writers block. But anyway well written. And I really enjoyed reading it.

Jah said...

the kettle to the pot:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eagles/learntobestill.html

Jah said...

the kettle to the pot:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eagles/learntobestill.html

Mercury said...

It's just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You'd give anything to silence
Those voices ringing in your head
You thought you could find happiness
Just over that green hill
You thought you would be satisfied
But you never will-
Learn to be still

We are like sheep without a shepherd
We don't know how to be alone
So we wander 'round this desert
And wind up following the wrong gods home
But the flock cries out for another
And they keep answering that bell
And one more starry-eyed messiah
Meets a violent farewell-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still
Now the flowers in your garden
They don't smell so sweet
Maybe you've forgotten
The heaven lying at your feet

There are so many contridictions
In all these messages we send
(We keep asking)
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?
Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin'
It's waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

You just keep on runnin'
Keep on runnin'


Hey, Kettle...lol...One of my fav songs...

Swapnil and helmet ...ummm...thanks I guess...

Vishnu...This post was not about writers block...

AC said...

hmmm... logs are made of wood, and wood in contact with water rots over a period of time. Instead, try to be a rubber raft. It's rudderless and at the mercy of the currents, but it remains buoyant and non-rotten (for want of a better word). And that completes today's quota of my trying to sound wise.

Why are u low/depressed? Chocolate, sleep and ice cream work for me in such situations...

Anonymous said...

Laff, see a sunrise
and uh... drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

:)
Potato

Anonymous said...

Woah you seem depressed. Are you in love or something? I mean, a post soaking in misery and that too so close to Valentine's Day...

Mercury said...

>>AC : You are absolutely right about that...A Rubber raft sounds definitely better...lol

Also , Can't have chocolate , am on diet..lol..(maybe that's it..)but maybe I should make an exception and scrap that..

Thanks for the concern... I guess ,It's just a transitioning-and-therefore-feel-completely-lost-thing.

>>Potato: I will laugh , and umm..about the sunrise..will do..if i wake up early enough.

p.s: Drink lots of fluids????? What do u think I'm suffering from ? If you mean P.M.S....arghhh...lol...

>>Anon : Nope, not in love . Not sure if that will make things better or worse ..lol . But yeah , the timings all off ain't it ? The thing however is , that it has nothing to do with valentine's day...well atleast I don't think so..although must admit the general revelry around me , didn't exactly help.